Black or White

This post is not inspired by something I've read in a book. I have been too busy and mentally drained to actually sit down and read. This has nothing to do with my current obsession with black and white dresses either. As I try to get over a "loss" by going retail therapy, I drove home, cried first then collected myself and have decided to write my thoughts on how sometimes, it's not just black or white... sometimes may be there can be a gray area.

I have worked so hard these past few months trying to prove to one person in particular that I deserve her trust. I have heard stories about her which I tried to ignore thinking that they just need to get to know her better and they will think otherwise about her. So all these time, I slowly got to earn her respect and supposedly her trust. And just when I thought I have proven myself, one mistake... one stupid mistake just ruined everything for me.

May be it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. May be once I get all the details, it would be easier to accept and let go. It's just so disappointing and frustrating. How could I have missed that?!?! And why did it have to wait six months to come up? Do you know that feeling that after you have given your sweat and blood, everything went in vain? Why?!?!

Today, I felt the worst ever while I was in my used to be "Happy Place". It felt like no matter, what I do, it wouldn't be enough. I didn't want to stop and just wanted to keep going and going just to get everything done and get them done right. I get thrown practically everything but this time it just felt like it's make or break... As if I'm walking on eggshells. I wanted so badly to cry but I kept everything to myself. I can't show them that behind that wonder woman who will do everything, there's a broken girl.

I've had a conversation with someone who agreed with me when I said, we could be a lot tougher on ourselves. We are our worst critics. We punish ourselves a lot more than we do if someone else has done something wrong. So what am I going to do myself this time? Bombard myself again with work? Not eat? Pain killer overdose? I've done all that before. I think the torture of this never leaving my mind is the worst punishment. The mind is too powerful and I know this will haunt me over and over again. Another thing will be the feeling of a failure, something that will kill me deep inside.

I know it was my mistake. And I'm really really sorry. I am willing to take the consequences for it but does that mean everything that I have done right will be forgotten? Where is the gray ares?