Monday, May 31, 2010

Obituary

I remember two years ago, I went to five funerals. It was my assistant manager's husband, then my uncle, they my ex-fiance's grandmother from his father side then it was my best friend then it was my ex-fiance's grandmother but this time from his mother side. My grandmother passed away after being in a coma for four years in the beginning of last year. Among all these funerals, one thing was common, the tear jerking eulogies by the family and friends of the departed one. Imagine your life being compressed in a 10 minute speech.

On our deathbed, there's really a limited number of things that we could take with us. Same way, there are only a few things that people will remember about us. So the things that we worry about, those that consumes our days and nights, are they as valuable as we make them? Will it matter days, months or years from now? We all have the tendency to give things too much credit that what it really deserves and for that we should reassess our priorities.

Patience is a Virtue

The more patient you are, the more accepting you will be of what is,
rather than insisting that life be exactly as you would like it to be.
Without patience, life is extremely frustrating.

Why have I chosen to write about this? Because I am getting really eager about moving to my new apartment. I signed the lease yesterday and will be getting the keys on June 13th. What a way to start my vacation?!?! I know it will be very busy but it will all be worth it. But what's a few more days when I waited for years for things that never came to be...

At this point of my life, if things happened the be way I had it planned, I would have had been a wife already living in a house probably with another baby on its way. But none of those had happened. And I wouldn't want to dwell on bitterness anymore. So I am moving on. And getting this new apartment is the beginning of better and brighter things. I need to get away from that box that I have trapped myself in.

Maybe if I learn to just let things flow rather than me having a time table of when things should happen, I will be happier and be more peaceful. I should let life surprise me, make things a little more unpredictable. So month of June, I am looking forward to what you have for me. I know my days will go by fast but I am as ready as I can be.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

To Be Right or To Be Happy

The book I've been reading throws the question: "Do I want to be 'right' -- or do I want to be happy?" And I was reading this while I was waiting for my tires to be replaced. Today was my day off and I had so much that I wanted to do that I actually had a list, and it was in chronological order. Did I get to check off everything in the list? No. Did I get to follow the order of how I wanted to do things on my list? No again. So here goes my story...

I really intended to do these things: Go to Kaiser to get my son's medical form for school filled out, have my tires replaced, get a car wash, get my son from school early to take him to the post office to apply for a passport and finally have a haircut. All these things, I wanted to nail on my day off. In reality, it should have been doable but then again maybe only if things went as I have planned.

I started early only to find out that for me to be able to get a passport for my son, I would need his birth certificate. Since I'm in the middle of moving and packing, I can't find it. So I had to request for a copy. But of course, it would have to be complicated. I need to have something notarized. So, I saw one close to my son's school. They were still close so I decided, I will have breakfast first and just come back for it. An hour later, I came back only to find out that the Notary no longer works there. And things just went down from there.

I then went to have my tires replaced. While I was at it, I had my oil changed too. I tried to find Notary Public around the area and I couldn't so I read and read. Mom calls me and asks me what I'm doing and where I was. This is where all the drama begins.

She tells me that I need to set my priorities straight... that I don't know how to say "no" at work... that I should have had taken care of Patrick's dental and medical long time ago... that I should have at least a copy of Patrick's birth certificate... that the passport should have been renewed so that they can purchase the ticket... that I should start moving... And believe me, that is overwhelming to be reminded of all the things I need to do !!! I know I have that much in my plate and it's not that I don't consider them urgent, it's just I haven't had the chance to get things done because work has been crazy.

I really am trying not to bug my mom so that she wouldn't have to be stressed out over my personal stuffs. But I guess the mommy in her is just concerned on how I'm trying to be wonder woman almost to the point that I am refusing to get any help.

I don't want to be a burden to anybody. And I really try to do things on my own. It doesn't help though when I get reminded too many times of the many things that needs to get done. That's what made my mom and I argue... I knew that she has a point but I wanted to defend myself and say everything is still under control. So it's so crazy that right after this whole thing happened, I came across the "question"

Is it really worth it to try to always prove that you are right? Why would you have to argue? And why do you always have to be in defense? That's what it is. We always have to prove that we know what we are doing and refuse to accept the other possibilities and it gets tiring after awhile. Maybe there will be times when you just have to let go. Besides, no one is keeping score of how many times you were right. People would probably remember more the number of times that you made them feel good. I'm not saying don't stand by what you believe in but sometimes, you have to ask yourself, was it worth fighting for?

As to the argument my mom and I had... I guess she was the bigger person by calling me again and telling me we should all go to the mall after I get Patrick from school. She didn't bring anything up from our previous conversation but I think she understands that I'm trying my best to get everything done and she just have to trust me that I can do it. Again, here I am trying to be wonder woman....

Wonderwoman

There would come a point when I will learn to say "no" to the things that get thrown at me. For some reasons, people forget that I'm also human. I have limitations. I've been running the show, mostly by myself for too long that it has reached a point when people no longer know how to function when I'm not around. I don't do anything different. It's not like I do magic. And yet when I am not around, things just go crazy. To make it worse, I get blamed for things that go wrong. It's not always smooth sailing when I'm there. I come across bumps too but I get up and move on. But for them, it's like the end of the world every time. And yet here they are giving the same lame excuse as to why things happen they way they do but really they are just taking advantage of the situation. I'm so sick and tired of this! I really am!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I Saw the Sign

The title reminds me of an old song by Ace of Base. Hahaha. But do you believe in signs? For example, when you want something so bad, you ask for a sign and if you see the sign, it would be the universe's way of telling you that it's on its way. Or it could be when you are having a hard time making decisions and you see things around you pointing to one direction and you tell yourself, it's a sign. It's like that movie, Fools Rush In. For the record, I love that movie!!! Well, I love Salma Hayek!

So I remember when I was miserable and jobless, I have all the time in the world to read emails even if it's those forwarded ones or chain letters. There was one that I got that was actually a prayer to St. Therese and it lets you make a wish and for you to know that your wish will come true, you will see roses. Since I'm getting no where, I have asked that I get a job. I didn't know if it was possible but that's all I wanted, to find a job. Back then I was really getting desperate and didn't know what to do to my life. Oh yes! I went through that so believe me when I say, I love my job! Days have gone and I have forgotten about that email. To my surprise, I get this really huge arrangement of pink flowers. So huge that I barely saw the face of the delivery guy. It had a lot of pink flowers, really beautiful ones. And if you know me, you would know that I am a sucker for flowers. But I didn't really notice the roses up until I checked my email and it said that the company I'm working for now, is hiring me. Oh! You should have seen how happy I was, jumping and doing my crazy victory dance. And I said to myself and probably all the people I knew back then, God is good and when He answered my prayers... He sent me a sign.

Moving forward, four years after, I don't know if I should ask for a sign. I think I am in a crossroad. I have come to a point where in yes, I want to move up because I think I'm good but at the same time, with things at work slowly slipping down and I don't know if it's due to the fact that we don't have an assistant manager or that I'm just not an effective leader, I'm starting to doubt my capabilities. I would have to say that I'm too coward to ask for a sign again because what if the sign never comes, then I will be forever waiting. Or should I listen to the signs everywhere, regardless what it's trying to tell me. But what if I'm reading the signs wrong?

Logical me says, why would you gamble the career you work so hard for by relying your decisions on signs? Ahhh.... Too much thinking!!! If you have any thoughts, leave me a message. You might be the sign I'm waiting for. Hahaha.

The Masterplan

Today should have been my day off... I intend to accomplish things when I get weekdays off but this one wasn't one of those. I am a little bit overwhelmed by the many things that needs to be done in and out of work. Work is a given, there will always be something. There will always be a list of things that either needs to be finished or to be followed up on. That would remain a constant thing in my life and I try not to dwell on it anymore. I mean as much as I used to. I could only do so much, right? Hi! I'm Nina and I'm a workaholic. Hahaha.

But outside work, oh gosh!!! Where do I begin? First, I need to get things ready for Patrick's registration for his new school. Meaning, I need to schedule his medical and dental and get all his paper works, filled out. Why is it time consuming? It's tough to schedule appointments for him as is plus I need to be with him for all of those appointments because I'm the mother thus, I need to figure out when I will I be off from work. Next stop, I need to renew Patrick's passport since he will be traveling with my Mom this summer. Again, we need to be together when we do this. Hopefully I can nail all three in one day. And lastly, I need to come up with money to be able to move to the new apartment. It's not that this new apartment is expensive. If anything, I'm getting a good deal but the apartment where I live now is penalizing me for breaking the contract and that's equals too two months' rent. It's almost like me having a divorce. So sad to see my savings go over things that didn't work out. Oh well!!!

Too many things going on, all at the same time. It feels as if they all have the same due date which is the end of the month and I only have a few days left. Why can't there be another me that can stay home and do all these things? But then again, once these things are all over, life will be so much better... I hope!!!

I have had a tough month. And I've always believed that things happen for a reason. It may not make sense now but eventually it will. When you think you have done everything you can, I think you are allowed to get frustrated when something has either been missed or taken against you. Believe me, I really hated the fact that in spite of me trying to be careful with everything I do, I still end up making mistakes Sometimes, big ones!!! I guess I just have to believe that if it doesn't kill me it will only make me better.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Me Time

A chapter from the book I'm reading suggests that we set aside some quiet time, everyday. How important is this to you? And what do you do to achieve this quiet time? So, where do I begin?

I remember when I was in high school up until I was in college, I sleep really early. Actually it's more like I take a nap. I sleep when I know everyone else is still awake and that's right around 8 pm and wake up close to midnight when it's quiet and there's no one else awake but me. That's when I study and do my projects. That's when I am able to understand things easily and it seems as if my brain is a sponge that just absorbs everything I read. That's also the time when all my creative juices ooze out so whether it's writing a paper or doing an art project, it just comes out so inspired. I miss those days.

Back then, I am able to wake up early, around 4:30 am even if I don't really have to leave the house until 7 am. I just love being ahead of the game. I want to take my time getting ready. I take a shower, have some coffee, watch some news and have that feeling that I have done what I needed to do before it gets crazy. I miss those routines as well.

Now, good luck finding me home by 7:30 pm. And when I am home, I'm so tired but I still need to tend to my son. Poor Patrick.... Then I eat dinner and I try to spend time with them by watching a few TV shows. But even with that, I don't seem to have the patience to stay put. I would choose to go to my room and turn on my computer and eventually go to bed. I no longer have the energy to do anything else. Thus, my house is a mess. That is so annoying!!! To make it worse, I have a hard time getting up early in the morning too. I just have enough time in the morning to get ready and to get my son ready for school. Time goes by way too fast for me.

The only quiet time I get really is my drive going to and from work. That's a good hour one way for myself. Depending on my mood, I would either listen to happy music or get up and dance music. There would be times too when I don't turn on the radio at all. I would probably pray the rosary and finish all 15 mysteries. That's the only time I have for myself.

During the weekends, even if it would save me some time if I just stay at my mom's apartment which is closer to where I work, I choose to go home because it feels good to have the apartment all to myself. I get to watch whatever shows I want to watch. I get to sleep on the couch. I don't have to talk to anyone. I don't need to think of anyone else but me. It sounds kind of selfish but being that I deal with people everyday, I think I really need this.

I've always considered myself as a loner. I prefer being by myself and being quiet. Good luck trying to get me out of the house for lunch or dinner or just to hang out. Something with my personality where in I can only be emotionally available to a few people. Probably that explains why I am not good with human interaction. If you really know me, you would notice that I prefer sending text messages, chatting or sending emails than to actually talk on the phone more so in person. And yet I work in a place where human interaction is a must. Probably that's why I feel so drained at the end of the day.

I can't wait until my vacation which would be a month from now. Although I know it is meant to be spent celebrating Patrick's graduation, I will probably need to take a day or two being away from it all and be by myself again. I need it... before I completely lose myself to this ever demanding life.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Black or White

This post is not inspired by something I've read in a book. I have been too busy and mentally drained to actually sit down and read. This has nothing to do with my current obsession with black and white dresses either. As I try to get over a "loss" by going retail therapy, I drove home, cried first then collected myself and have decided to write my thoughts on how sometimes, it's not just black or white... sometimes may be there can be a gray area.

I have worked so hard these past few months trying to prove to one person in particular that I deserve her trust. I have heard stories about her which I tried to ignore thinking that they just need to get to know her better and they will think otherwise about her. So all these time, I slowly got to earn her respect and supposedly her trust. And just when I thought I have proven myself, one mistake... one stupid mistake just ruined everything for me.

May be it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. May be once I get all the details, it would be easier to accept and let go. It's just so disappointing and frustrating. How could I have missed that?!?! And why did it have to wait six months to come up? Do you know that feeling that after you have given your sweat and blood, everything went in vain? Why?!?!

Today, I felt the worst ever while I was in my used to be "Happy Place". It felt like no matter, what I do, it wouldn't be enough. I didn't want to stop and just wanted to keep going and going just to get everything done and get them done right. I get thrown practically everything but this time it just felt like it's make or break... As if I'm walking on eggshells. I wanted so badly to cry but I kept everything to myself. I can't show them that behind that wonder woman who will do everything, there's a broken girl.

I've had a conversation with someone who agreed with me when I said, we could be a lot tougher on ourselves. We are our worst critics. We punish ourselves a lot more than we do if someone else has done something wrong. So what am I going to do myself this time? Bombard myself again with work? Not eat? Pain killer overdose? I've done all that before. I think the torture of this never leaving my mind is the worst punishment. The mind is too powerful and I know this will haunt me over and over again. Another thing will be the feeling of a failure, something that will kill me deep inside.

I know it was my mistake. And I'm really really sorry. I am willing to take the consequences for it but does that mean everything that I have done right will be forgotten? Where is the gray ares?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Write Me a Note

To be honest, I wasn't quite sure what I was going to write about tonight. I was trying to look back at how my day was and it seems as if there wasn't much to talk about. Not that it was uneventful, if anything, it was quite peaceful and productive but maybe I just got used to that busy, crazy schedule. Nevertheless, I'm thankful for this day, a wonderful way to start the week because last week... was just terrible!!!

I don't know how many times, I've snapped at people at work. It seemed as if there's nothing but negativity and frustration coming out of my mouth. How many times did people ask me if I was alright or why I looked so stressed out. And during our morning huddle, I listen to myself speak and it sounded as though it was someone else. I'm not usually that way. I don't know what got into me. Right after I utter the words, remorse follows but you know sometimes you could not take your words back. You just can't!


My days went by fast and yet it seemed as if I never got to finish the things I needed to do. I worked so hard and at the end of the day, I still have that feeling that it wasn't good enough. I needed to strive harder. I got back from my day off thinking I was ready for whatever they throw at me then I got a number of emails telling me how we are not doing well in several areas. I then asked myself, what am I doing wrong??? What is going on??? I thought I was good at what I was doing and yet I can't make my team win...


Saturday morning came and I planned on sleeping in since I don't have to go to work. But a thought woke me up... It's 8:30 am and none of the tellers will be at the branch because I have forgotten to call or send text messages to tell them that there will be a meeting. Believe me, I didn't know what to do. How could I have forgotten?!?! But rather than dwelling on it, I just let it go. At that point, I really couldn't have done anything.


So I decided I would leave my work stuffs in my car. Out of sight, out of mind. I tried to relax and not think about work, at all. But I guess, the grouchiness was still there. A friend of mine who I was exchanging text messages with randomly asked me if I was having a bad day because he claims, he could feel the "vibes". Really??? Am I that transparent? So I stopped and paused for awhile and let myself get "bored". Crazy huh?


Why would I want to get myself bored??? Because I have learned that it's the only way you can calm down your overactive mind that is constantly waiting for something to do or something to work on. I am sometimes too scared to just sit still that I always want to have something to keep myself busy. But I have realized that the beauty of doing nothing sometimes is it helps clear my mind. It gives my mind the freedom to "not know" because just like our bodies, our minds needs a break from our hectic routines. If it gets the break that it needs, it becomes sharper, more focused and maybe creative. And that's exactly what happened today.

I was able to finish up our June schedule. It may not be perfect and needs tweaking here and there but it's amazing how I was able to get that done in just a couple of hours. That felt really good. I was able to interact with my co-workers, had a decent lunch, didn't have that much carry forward for tomorrow and left the branch on time. Now, this is what I love. And that's probably the reason why I'm so passionate about my job.... It's because of the moments like this.

The last chapter I read encourages you to write heartfelt letters. I love to write notes the same way I love receiving snail mail. That's the reason why I always ask my family and friends who travel to send me a postcard. Usually they think I'm joking around but I really love getting notes and letters. It's the idea that someone took the time to share their thoughts and feelings with you by writing you a letter or a note. And because it is something written, you can relive the moment over and over again if you wanted to. Nowadays, we are so used to the convenience of emails and text messages but nothing beats old school notes may it be on a card, a note pad or a post it.

Every now and then I write my co-workers. When they get to their station, I either leave them a post it or a card. And when I see them smile, the feeling is priceless. So I challenge you to write someone a heartfelt letter. Not only does it make you feel good, it also makes the recipient feel special too. Aww... Just the thought of it makes me smile already... I shall write a lot of notes tomorrow.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Today is the Day

I am starting to incorporate this in my nightly routine. Not that this is a must but as my title states... it's my sweet escape.

Today has been one of the craziest days I've ever had at work. It seemed as if I wasn't ready for anything. It felt like I wasn't able to plan this day well enough to be prepared for the mishaps here and there. May be I focused on the wrong stuffs. I was expecting a one on one with a market leader but instead there was a huge swamp of people that walked in on a usually dead Thursday. Nevertheless, I am not going to dwell on that anymore because it's over and done with. The day is almost through and next thing I know, it will be a brand new morning.

This leads me to another interesting chapter from my book. How many times have we heard the line, "Live in the present moment."? I, myself is guilty of saying this a lot but really, do I?

I do admit I have a lot of hang ups. It's so easy for me to say that I don't regret anything that happened to me in the past but the fears and insecurities that I have must have grown from somewhere. I can't just wake up one morning and just say, I'm scared of this and that.

On the other end of the spectrum, I can also be too focused on my future... my anticipation of what life is going to be. Of course, I'm always hopeful that things will be great and wonderful. I'm optimistic that way but may be in the process I tend to take for granted how beautiful life is... now!!!

Moving forward, I love what this other chapter talks about... It claims that "The people you meet are all here to teach you something." Regardless if you like the person or not, you will learn something from them. It's your job though to find out what are they trying to teach you. May be it's not them directly teaching you something but their existence in your life probably has a deeper purpose.

Everyday we come across different kinds of people. At work, I meet the kindest, most interesting people but at the same time, I also encounter the rudest and the ill-mannered ones. Rule of thumb is to never take things personal because really, everyday at work is an adventure. It's a jungle out there. You don't know what kind of people you will come across and how much impact they will have in your life.

I remember one day I randomly told a few of my friends to be a miracle to someone today. Some of them liked it while the others thought I was on crack or something. But everyday, we are given a chance to make a difference, no matter how small we think our gesture is. So, instead of us wondering why certain people do certain things, why won't we ask ourselves, what are they trying to teach me.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My In Basket


Today was my day off. And believe me, I have a lot of things I needed and wanted to do. I always wish for my days off to be productive. But last night my mom was in the mood to chat. And we were talking and giggling til 2 am. Thus I felt tired and drained when I woke up this morning.


With that being said, nothing interesting happened to me til this afternoon. After lunch, I took a shower and read a few pages of my book. Then I got Patrick from school and went to the mall. Two dresses for me, two shirts and two shorts for Patrick after, we found out that there was a puppet show for kids at the mall. So awesome!!! You should have seen the smile on Patrick's face. He was having so much fun watching with the other kids, more so when he won the raffle. Therefore, I find this whole day priceless. I am so glad that we went to the mall and I am so glad that today was my day off.


With all these happening today, I read something that I could include in this post. It speaks about how some of us live our lives as if it's secret purpose is just to get everything done. No, it's not!!!


How many of you are like me who loves making and having a To Do List? I can't live without a pen and a paper. I always seem to have something to write down that way I won't forget. I would even brag in the morning that I've made a list of things to do to start my day right and at night when I have done most if not all in my list, I can call the day a productive one. But what this chapter made me realize is that this list sometimes consumes much more of our time and energy than it really deserves or needs.


We aim to empty out this "basket" thinking that it's a big accomplishment, that it's a must but really that is never going to be the case. There is always something more to do. All the items in our "basket" may be crossed off but it only gets replaced by new things that needs to be done. We obsess over the idea that all these things need to be get done right away to a point where in we sacrifice our health, our happiness and our love ones. At the end of the day, was it really that important or could it have waited?


I had a great conversation last night with someone who may have just turned into one of the greatest friend and mentor. She told me that I shouldn't sacrifice my time for my son for work. She told me that it's not worth it. Work is work and with or without me, things will happen, good or bad. I would have to try to let go of this notion that when I'm there at work, I have control on what's going to happen. It's probably one of the reasons why I choose to be at work a lot more than I should. She told me that if I have to go to a game or an awarding for my son, I should go for it because time goes by too fast. I could never go back to these special events in my son's life and what my son would remember is not what I've given him to reward him for something good that he has done but the number of times that I was actually there to share these moments with him.


I can't promise that I will stop having these To Do Lists. It really helps me to stay focused but what I have to remind myself is to set my priorities straight. Between my family and work, family should come first. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't give my all at work. I would still be focused and I will make sure that things that needs to be done will be done but I will never make my family feel that they have to wait til I actually have time for them because work has consumed the whole of me. I need to learn how to live my life and not let work have control over me.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Aiming for Perfection

I was reading chapter 1 of my book and it cited this example, if someone cuts in front of you when you're driving, instead of letting it ruin your day, just let it go and try be compassionate towards that person. We know how it feels when we are in such a hurry... Who knows why that person was rushing. Maybe it was an emergency.

Ok! I get it!!! But it's easier said than done. Ironically, this morning, I saw a dent and some scratches on my car, someone hit my car with their door. So basing on the statement above, I should let it go, right???

Here's the thing... Since I've had that car, this would have been the fourth time that my car was hit while it was parked. And none of them were kind enough to leave a note or something. Two of the incidents were minor but the other two were really, really bad. So as much as I want to just let it go, I'm ranting about it here. Hahaha.

If you know me, you would know that I don't get mad easily. And even if I do get upset, it takes so much effort for me to show it. If anything, I just cry. So how did I handle this situation? I bought a special car wax that is supposed to take out minor scratches months ago and I have kept it in my car for incidents like this. Thus when I got to work this morning I was waxing my car to see if it will take the scratch off. It did but there was still a dent so I can still tell that something happened to it. But I just let it be and not dwell on it too much. If anything, it's just the exterior of the car. I small rock can easily hit my car while I'm on the freeway so really, this shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Chapter 2 talks about embracing imperfection. This is a direct hit!!!

My ex and I broke up in January and the reason I've always given is this: I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I deserve. My ex on the other hand tells me that I shouldn't seek for things that we didn't have but rather cherish, the things that we did have. I am not going to expound of the details of our break up but I do believe that things happen for a reason. I don't regret my decision. It was all for the best. Who knows, we might still end up together... We just need to work on certain things on our own for now.

At work, I like things to be organized. I'm not exactly a control freak but I am very particular on certain things. Not that I insist that things need to be the way I want them to be but it really make things a lot easier if we have a system that everybody understands and follows. Hopefully, my co-workers doesn't hate me for that.

I do admit though that I stop myself from delegating work to my coworkers because I am afraid that they won't do it the right way. I am always afraid when I take a day off thinking that things could possibly go wrong while I'm not there. Though some of my fears are valid because I find myself fixing things here and there when someone else does it, I really need to take the time to either teach them how to do it correctly, or not have them do it at all.

I told myself not too long ago that I will list down the things that I need to do and not do in 2010. As if writing them down will save me from making any mistakes. As if this list will assure me that things will be perfect this year. Who am I fooling???

Now, I have to remind myself that it's not about ceasing to do your very best but with being too attached and focused on what's wrong with your life. There's nothing wrong with aiming higher just as long as you know how to appreciate what you have. Don't underestimate the things that you have achieved thinking that those weren't good enough. You just got to embrace everything that you have and cherish all your success no matter how small you may think they are.

I have to stop putting myself down insisting that I could do more when really what I have done now is fine if not more that what is expected of me. I can be too tough on myself sometimes and I just find ways to punish myself hard. Really, I need to let certain things go and tell myself, even without me being too judgemental, everything will be ok, life will go on.

Monday, May 3, 2010

As I Turn the Page



An old friend once told me that when things are going crazy in my life, and this was back in high school, I make myself very busy. I study like there's no tomorrow. I make pages and pages of reviewers. I loved the idea that it consumes my mornings and nights.

And now that I'm working, I see the same pattern. When I was trying to get over a heart break, I bombarded myself with things at work. I come in early, I leave late. I skip my breaks and rarely take my full lunch. It seemed as if I live and breathe work.

Then I came across this line in the book I'm reading: "We often rush around looking busy, trying to solve problems, but in reality, we are often compounding them." Is that so? So all this time, I was just fooling myself into thinking that this was my way of moving on. But really, it is just masking the chaos that is taking place within me.

Like I mentioned yesterday, my weekend was an extra-ordinary one. I tried to go on a spiritual retreat. I think it was something that was much needed and much awaited. Weird as it may sound, I got myself a hotel room. Though I didn't do anything special, just the idea that I wasn't home and I wasn't with anybody was heaven. I didn't have Internet access and I didn't call or text anybody. I was away from it all.

And the following day, I went to a shopping center a little closer to home but it had a hidden paradise, at least to me it did. And that just even added more to this special retreat I was trying to have. There were a couple of chairs and a table under a shade. The weather was perfect because it was sunny but with a cool breeze. You can hear the calming sound of the water flowing and the birds chirping. That's when I started writing...

I also bought a couple of books. Pathetic I may sound but I got these books from the self-help section. I'm not a big fan of books but every now and then I come across books that I would read and actually enjoy. So probably for the next few days you will hear me talk about what I've learned from these books.
There are already three things that caught my attention...

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude. - William James

When you learn to "let go" of problems instead of resisting with all your might, your life will begin to flow. - Zen Philosophy

Change the things that can be changed, accept those that
cannot and have the wisdom to know the difference. - Serenity Prayer

I would probably talk about these more once I've read a few chapters. Maybe I need to have a deeper understanding of these words before I actually share my thoughts on them. But as is, I already feel good writing my thoughts. And though I don't think there's a lot of people reading this, it's enough for me to know that I have shared something to this world.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

A Blog is Born

I remember six years ago, I had a blog. In fact it still exists and I go visit it every now and then. http://lonelypurplebutterfly.blogspot.com

In the beginning, I talked about Patrick. It was more like the daily adventures of a first time mom. I would post a lot of pictures and tell random things but all about Patrick.

Then I met Arvin... And my posts changed into a novela of our love story... an account of where everything began. And that's probably why I stopped blogging because some of the things we went through weren't meant to be shared to the world wide web.

So here I am again. Now clueless on how to edit and do all those fun stuffs on my page. Nevertheless maybe blogging will help me clear my mind. A friend once told me that it doesn't matter what I write, regardless if i have a lot of typos and wrong grammar as long as I write, it should help me feel better. No, I'm not sad nor am I depressed but this year has been a busy one and I need that sweet escape and thus I welcome you to my world... I welcome you to my blog...