It has been months since the last time I have posted something here. But being that today was a really terrible one without a real obvious reason, I tried to be creative in making myself feel better and snap out of it. I found one of the books that I used to read and saw my notes on it. Surprisingly, it cleared my thoughts and decided that I should write about it.
What I came across was about "weatherproofing". The book explains that it's our neurotic tendency to look out for something that needs to be fixed or repaired, to keep an eye on flaws or imperfections and to think about what's wrong with everything and everyone which then leads us to fail in appreciating the beauty of what is there. I then remembered an episode in Sex and the City Season 2 called "The Freak Show" that shows a good example of this.
In that episode, Carrie dated three different men and ended up finding something "freaky" about each one of them that scared her away. But unexpectedly she came across a guy who seemed perfect and flawless. Fearing that she might just waste her next few months with a guy who would eventually end up being another freak like all men are, she started going through his apartment, his things trying to find out what's wrong with him only to realize that maybe there really wasn't. But by being caught by the guy who now thinks she is crazy, she managed to ruin what could have been a good relationship. How ironic, right?
More often than not, we fail to focus on what's good or beautiful in our lives. One bad day and we think it's the end of the world. I was asked by a few friends today how I was doing or feeling and I said, "It's just one of those days. I still have the rest of the year to enjoy. So one bad day is alright." We are too consumed by what's not right in our lives, what we are lacking or maybe all together thinking that things are just not good enough as it is. If we focused more on the good things in our lives, we would never stop smiling.
I don't even know what triggered this unnecessary now really silly mood swing. I've been extremely happy the last couple of months and I am not used to having a bad day, at least not anymore. Probably there's this fear inside of me that everything is too good to be true and as a way to protect myself from getting hurt or disappointed, I expect that something would go wrong. I now feel terrible for ever letting that cross my mind. There is no clear basis for that to begin with. Oh well! At least I have snapped out of it.
So I will go to sleep now, with full appreciation of what I have. I am grateful for the way things are in my life. Every now and then there will be bumps but it doesn't change the fact that life is beautiful especially if you found someone who is willing to go through this journey with you, good or bad, happy or sad. Besides, we are all little freaks and weirdos, it's a matter of finding someone who will just love that about you. =)
Monday, January 3, 2011
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tell Me... Show Me... Involve Me...
Every now and then you come across people who changes your life completely... I have always been hungry for knowledge, the same way I have always been fascinated by people who are such great teachers.
I remember when I was in college, I was asked by my professor to name a person that I admire the most. I had to pause for a few seconds and think of a person who has inspired me in such a life changing way. I couldn't think of anyone. How sad is that??? I don't know if my epxectations were just too high or I am just plain apathetic on what's going on around me.
About a few weeks ago, while I was in a talent planning meeting in our Market Office, we were asked what best describes a great leader. And instantly I said, he or she ought to be inspiring. I then talked about my very first Branch Manager. I have always been vocal about the fact that if not for her, I wouldn't be where I am now. She was the one who challenged me to prove what I am capable of doing and even after I have mastered my skill, she never stopped pushing me to become better. Everyday was another day to learn new things. It never felt like a routine. Everyday, I wake up excited to go to work because I look forward to what my teacher has for me.
And now, here I am. Still the same person who is hungry for knowledge. But there's no one there to teach me. Instead, I am now tasked to pass on my knowledge. But how much do I know? And how much can I share? Am I even qualified to be a teacher? This is the struggle I have to face every morning when I walk through the doors of my branch. No one knows it, no one sees it... that it kills me, each time that they take a piece me, when there's no one to add to the little that I have. I could only do so much. And I don't know everything. As the days go by, I slowly become obsolete. And that's the worse feeling ever... when you feel like you are no longer needed.
I remember when I was in college, I was asked by my professor to name a person that I admire the most. I had to pause for a few seconds and think of a person who has inspired me in such a life changing way. I couldn't think of anyone. How sad is that??? I don't know if my epxectations were just too high or I am just plain apathetic on what's going on around me.
About a few weeks ago, while I was in a talent planning meeting in our Market Office, we were asked what best describes a great leader. And instantly I said, he or she ought to be inspiring. I then talked about my very first Branch Manager. I have always been vocal about the fact that if not for her, I wouldn't be where I am now. She was the one who challenged me to prove what I am capable of doing and even after I have mastered my skill, she never stopped pushing me to become better. Everyday was another day to learn new things. It never felt like a routine. Everyday, I wake up excited to go to work because I look forward to what my teacher has for me.
And now, here I am. Still the same person who is hungry for knowledge. But there's no one there to teach me. Instead, I am now tasked to pass on my knowledge. But how much do I know? And how much can I share? Am I even qualified to be a teacher? This is the struggle I have to face every morning when I walk through the doors of my branch. No one knows it, no one sees it... that it kills me, each time that they take a piece me, when there's no one to add to the little that I have. I could only do so much. And I don't know everything. As the days go by, I slowly become obsolete. And that's the worse feeling ever... when you feel like you are no longer needed.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Obituary
I remember two years ago, I went to five funerals. It was my assistant manager's husband, then my uncle, they my ex-fiance's grandmother from his father side then it was my best friend then it was my ex-fiance's grandmother but this time from his mother side. My grandmother passed away after being in a coma for four years in the beginning of last year. Among all these funerals, one thing was common, the tear jerking eulogies by the family and friends of the departed one. Imagine your life being compressed in a 10 minute speech.
On our deathbed, there's really a limited number of things that we could take with us. Same way, there are only a few things that people will remember about us. So the things that we worry about, those that consumes our days and nights, are they as valuable as we make them? Will it matter days, months or years from now? We all have the tendency to give things too much credit that what it really deserves and for that we should reassess our priorities.
On our deathbed, there's really a limited number of things that we could take with us. Same way, there are only a few things that people will remember about us. So the things that we worry about, those that consumes our days and nights, are they as valuable as we make them? Will it matter days, months or years from now? We all have the tendency to give things too much credit that what it really deserves and for that we should reassess our priorities.
Patience is a Virtue
The more patient you are, the more accepting you will be of what is,
rather than insisting that life be exactly as you would like it to be.
Without patience, life is extremely frustrating.
Why have I chosen to write about this? Because I am getting really eager about moving to my new apartment. I signed the lease yesterday and will be getting the keys on June 13th. What a way to start my vacation?!?! I know it will be very busy but it will all be worth it. But what's a few more days when I waited for years for things that never came to be...
At this point of my life, if things happened the be way I had it planned, I would have had been a wife already living in a house probably with another baby on its way. But none of those had happened. And I wouldn't want to dwell on bitterness anymore. So I am moving on. And getting this new apartment is the beginning of better and brighter things. I need to get away from that box that I have trapped myself in.
Maybe if I learn to just let things flow rather than me having a time table of when things should happen, I will be happier and be more peaceful. I should let life surprise me, make things a little more unpredictable. So month of June, I am looking forward to what you have for me. I know my days will go by fast but I am as ready as I can be.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
To Be Right or To Be Happy
The book I've been reading throws the question: "Do I want to be 'right' -- or do I want to be happy?" And I was reading this while I was waiting for my tires to be replaced. Today was my day off and I had so much that I wanted to do that I actually had a list, and it was in chronological order. Did I get to check off everything in the list? No. Did I get to follow the order of how I wanted to do things on my list? No again. So here goes my story...
I really intended to do these things: Go to Kaiser to get my son's medical form for school filled out, have my tires replaced, get a car wash, get my son from school early to take him to the post office to apply for a passport and finally have a haircut. All these things, I wanted to nail on my day off. In reality, it should have been doable but then again maybe only if things went as I have planned.
I started early only to find out that for me to be able to get a passport for my son, I would need his birth certificate. Since I'm in the middle of moving and packing, I can't find it. So I had to request for a copy. But of course, it would have to be complicated. I need to have something notarized. So, I saw one close to my son's school. They were still close so I decided, I will have breakfast first and just come back for it. An hour later, I came back only to find out that the Notary no longer works there. And things just went down from there.
I then went to have my tires replaced. While I was at it, I had my oil changed too. I tried to find Notary Public around the area and I couldn't so I read and read. Mom calls me and asks me what I'm doing and where I was. This is where all the drama begins.
She tells me that I need to set my priorities straight... that I don't know how to say "no" at work... that I should have had taken care of Patrick's dental and medical long time ago... that I should have at least a copy of Patrick's birth certificate... that the passport should have been renewed so that they can purchase the ticket... that I should start moving... And believe me, that is overwhelming to be reminded of all the things I need to do !!! I know I have that much in my plate and it's not that I don't consider them urgent, it's just I haven't had the chance to get things done because work has been crazy.
I really am trying not to bug my mom so that she wouldn't have to be stressed out over my personal stuffs. But I guess the mommy in her is just concerned on how I'm trying to be wonder woman almost to the point that I am refusing to get any help.
I don't want to be a burden to anybody. And I really try to do things on my own. It doesn't help though when I get reminded too many times of the many things that needs to get done. That's what made my mom and I argue... I knew that she has a point but I wanted to defend myself and say everything is still under control. So it's so crazy that right after this whole thing happened, I came across the "question"
Is it really worth it to try to always prove that you are right? Why would you have to argue? And why do you always have to be in defense? That's what it is. We always have to prove that we know what we are doing and refuse to accept the other possibilities and it gets tiring after awhile. Maybe there will be times when you just have to let go. Besides, no one is keeping score of how many times you were right. People would probably remember more the number of times that you made them feel good. I'm not saying don't stand by what you believe in but sometimes, you have to ask yourself, was it worth fighting for?
As to the argument my mom and I had... I guess she was the bigger person by calling me again and telling me we should all go to the mall after I get Patrick from school. She didn't bring anything up from our previous conversation but I think she understands that I'm trying my best to get everything done and she just have to trust me that I can do it. Again, here I am trying to be wonder woman....
I really intended to do these things: Go to Kaiser to get my son's medical form for school filled out, have my tires replaced, get a car wash, get my son from school early to take him to the post office to apply for a passport and finally have a haircut. All these things, I wanted to nail on my day off. In reality, it should have been doable but then again maybe only if things went as I have planned.
I started early only to find out that for me to be able to get a passport for my son, I would need his birth certificate. Since I'm in the middle of moving and packing, I can't find it. So I had to request for a copy. But of course, it would have to be complicated. I need to have something notarized. So, I saw one close to my son's school. They were still close so I decided, I will have breakfast first and just come back for it. An hour later, I came back only to find out that the Notary no longer works there. And things just went down from there.
I then went to have my tires replaced. While I was at it, I had my oil changed too. I tried to find Notary Public around the area and I couldn't so I read and read. Mom calls me and asks me what I'm doing and where I was. This is where all the drama begins.
She tells me that I need to set my priorities straight... that I don't know how to say "no" at work... that I should have had taken care of Patrick's dental and medical long time ago... that I should have at least a copy of Patrick's birth certificate... that the passport should have been renewed so that they can purchase the ticket... that I should start moving... And believe me, that is overwhelming to be reminded of all the things I need to do !!! I know I have that much in my plate and it's not that I don't consider them urgent, it's just I haven't had the chance to get things done because work has been crazy.
I really am trying not to bug my mom so that she wouldn't have to be stressed out over my personal stuffs. But I guess the mommy in her is just concerned on how I'm trying to be wonder woman almost to the point that I am refusing to get any help.
I don't want to be a burden to anybody. And I really try to do things on my own. It doesn't help though when I get reminded too many times of the many things that needs to get done. That's what made my mom and I argue... I knew that she has a point but I wanted to defend myself and say everything is still under control. So it's so crazy that right after this whole thing happened, I came across the "question"
Is it really worth it to try to always prove that you are right? Why would you have to argue? And why do you always have to be in defense? That's what it is. We always have to prove that we know what we are doing and refuse to accept the other possibilities and it gets tiring after awhile. Maybe there will be times when you just have to let go. Besides, no one is keeping score of how many times you were right. People would probably remember more the number of times that you made them feel good. I'm not saying don't stand by what you believe in but sometimes, you have to ask yourself, was it worth fighting for?
As to the argument my mom and I had... I guess she was the bigger person by calling me again and telling me we should all go to the mall after I get Patrick from school. She didn't bring anything up from our previous conversation but I think she understands that I'm trying my best to get everything done and she just have to trust me that I can do it. Again, here I am trying to be wonder woman....
Wonderwoman
There would come a point when I will learn to say "no" to the things that get thrown at me. For some reasons, people forget that I'm also human. I have limitations. I've been running the show, mostly by myself for too long that it has reached a point when people no longer know how to function when I'm not around. I don't do anything different. It's not like I do magic. And yet when I am not around, things just go crazy. To make it worse, I get blamed for things that go wrong. It's not always smooth sailing when I'm there. I come across bumps too but I get up and move on. But for them, it's like the end of the world every time. And yet here they are giving the same lame excuse as to why things happen they way they do but really they are just taking advantage of the situation. I'm so sick and tired of this! I really am!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I Saw the Sign
The title reminds me of an old song by Ace of Base. Hahaha. But do you believe in signs? For example, when you want something so bad, you ask for a sign and if you see the sign, it would be the universe's way of telling you that it's on its way. Or it could be when you are having a hard time making decisions and you see things around you pointing to one direction and you tell yourself, it's a sign. It's like that movie, Fools Rush In. For the record, I love that movie!!! Well, I love Salma Hayek!
So I remember when I was miserable and jobless, I have all the time in the world to read emails even if it's those forwarded ones or chain letters. There was one that I got that was actually a prayer to St. Therese and it lets you make a wish and for you to know that your wish will come true, you will see roses. Since I'm getting no where, I have asked that I get a job. I didn't know if it was possible but that's all I wanted, to find a job. Back then I was really getting desperate and didn't know what to do to my life. Oh yes! I went through that so believe me when I say, I love my job! Days have gone and I have forgotten about that email. To my surprise, I get this really huge arrangement of pink flowers. So huge that I barely saw the face of the delivery guy. It had a lot of pink flowers, really beautiful ones. And if you know me, you would know that I am a sucker for flowers. But I didn't really notice the roses up until I checked my email and it said that the company I'm working for now, is hiring me. Oh! You should have seen how happy I was, jumping and doing my crazy victory dance. And I said to myself and probably all the people I knew back then, God is good and when He answered my prayers... He sent me a sign.
Moving forward, four years after, I don't know if I should ask for a sign. I think I am in a crossroad. I have come to a point where in yes, I want to move up because I think I'm good but at the same time, with things at work slowly slipping down and I don't know if it's due to the fact that we don't have an assistant manager or that I'm just not an effective leader, I'm starting to doubt my capabilities. I would have to say that I'm too coward to ask for a sign again because what if the sign never comes, then I will be forever waiting. Or should I listen to the signs everywhere, regardless what it's trying to tell me. But what if I'm reading the signs wrong?
Logical me says, why would you gamble the career you work so hard for by relying your decisions on signs? Ahhh.... Too much thinking!!! If you have any thoughts, leave me a message. You might be the sign I'm waiting for. Hahaha.
So I remember when I was miserable and jobless, I have all the time in the world to read emails even if it's those forwarded ones or chain letters. There was one that I got that was actually a prayer to St. Therese and it lets you make a wish and for you to know that your wish will come true, you will see roses. Since I'm getting no where, I have asked that I get a job. I didn't know if it was possible but that's all I wanted, to find a job. Back then I was really getting desperate and didn't know what to do to my life. Oh yes! I went through that so believe me when I say, I love my job! Days have gone and I have forgotten about that email. To my surprise, I get this really huge arrangement of pink flowers. So huge that I barely saw the face of the delivery guy. It had a lot of pink flowers, really beautiful ones. And if you know me, you would know that I am a sucker for flowers. But I didn't really notice the roses up until I checked my email and it said that the company I'm working for now, is hiring me. Oh! You should have seen how happy I was, jumping and doing my crazy victory dance. And I said to myself and probably all the people I knew back then, God is good and when He answered my prayers... He sent me a sign.
Moving forward, four years after, I don't know if I should ask for a sign. I think I am in a crossroad. I have come to a point where in yes, I want to move up because I think I'm good but at the same time, with things at work slowly slipping down and I don't know if it's due to the fact that we don't have an assistant manager or that I'm just not an effective leader, I'm starting to doubt my capabilities. I would have to say that I'm too coward to ask for a sign again because what if the sign never comes, then I will be forever waiting. Or should I listen to the signs everywhere, regardless what it's trying to tell me. But what if I'm reading the signs wrong?
Logical me says, why would you gamble the career you work so hard for by relying your decisions on signs? Ahhh.... Too much thinking!!! If you have any thoughts, leave me a message. You might be the sign I'm waiting for. Hahaha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
